Yesterday, my entire world shifted as the ground fell from beneath my feet. Suddenly the reality of my decision to move overseas was all too real. Pride would not let me admit that I was petrified. Tears filled my eyes as I sudden saw my friends as irreplaceable. Even more shocking is what can only be described as a moment of insanity; I collapsed into a blubbering mess at the thought of leaving my biologically family behind. In the moment they seemed for a lack of a better word “perfect”. The fact that for that brief moment I actually consider my overly dramatic family; who can be a source of annoyance to the point that I have questioned my belief in a higher power, as the most perfect family in the world was trippy. This feeling of familial love was enough for me to realize that my life is changing for real.
Sure growing up I idolized Hemingway. I longed to sit al fresco at a cafe in some foreign country observing life will sipping wine. Naturally, this Brooklyn girl figured that if I could survive a ride on the NYC subway at night how dangerous can any country be? Now on the heel of my next big adventure a nocturnal subway ride seems like a cake walk compared to walking the streets of Europe. At least I know the language of Brooklyn a simple F-word followed by a “one figure salute” is the equivalent of saying, “I love you too buddy!”
How do you curse in Italian? I’m serious. What’s the equivalent of the F-word in Italian? Like most Americans I think everything sounds slightly sexy when said in a foreign language.
I know exactly one person in Italy and well he’s a pain in the ass. So, my current status at the moment is that once I reach Italy I will be homeless, lonely and scared but I am a New Yorker to the heart and that has to count for something.
Posted in Expat, Italy, Mexico, Travel, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged Abroad, American, Brooklyn, cafe, drink, eat, Expat, Foreign, Girl, Hemingway, home, homeless, Italy, lonely, Passport, scared, Tra, Travel, Visa, wine
Today I awoke to the news that Paul Walker died in a car crash. The news was shocking that a person who has been apart my growing up entertainment life was now dead. Paul Walker was not a brilliant actor. Nor were his movies a tour de force but he was a working actor whose movies entertained me none the less. From ‘Fast and Furious’ to ‘Running Scared’ and a dozen other mindless dribble I watched his movies and enjoyed myself most of the time.
What I find most interesting is that in death he has been elevated from a working actor to Cary Grant. In death he is being paid the type of homage he never received in life. While I understand that it is bad form to speak ill of the dead. How much better is it to pay false praise? Paul Walker was a not a very good actor he made a string of forgettable movies. As a man he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy. Why can’t the fact that he was a working actor, father and nice guy be enough? Why must we elevate the man with false praise in death? In life he was the punch line to endless jokes about his less than stellar career.
This type of false elevation happens frequently when people die. All of a sudden the SOB of yesterday becomes the patron saint of today. Whether this change of heart is due to a guilty conscious or a need to appear pious is a question that has always perplexed me, while I am no fan of bashing the dead heaping false praises isn’t my style either. A bastard is a bastard be he dead or alive.
Would it not be better to wish someone peace in the afterlife than to force false praises upon those who are genuinely grieving the loss of a loved one? Can we not have a moment of honesty? Why must anything be said at all? Is there a rule that says in death lie in life be brutally honest as well as cruel. A man is dead he was neither brilliant at his craft nor had a body of work that will be studied by future generations of thespian. He was a man who did his job to the best of his abilities and there is nothing shameful about that. My he rest in peace.
Posted in Expat, Italy, Life, Time, Women
Tagged a, Actor, American, antagonistic, Death, Entertainment, Expat, Fast & Furious, Film, Furious, life, Paul Walker, people, Traffic collision
Roger Murtaugh: I’m too old for this shit!
Martin Riggs: You don’t trust me at all, do you?
Yes, this is a direct quote from one of my favorite movies ‘Lethal Weapon’. What can I say I lack maturity. I just received a call from a friend who says I am hard to catch up with. She’s probably right but at the same time this is coming from a person who makes plans then shows up late or wants to change the venue at the last minute after you have already arrived at the original location. As with all things I too have changed over time. I do not waste my time trying to explain that calling me in the middle of my work day when I already told you that I work long hours is not my fault especially when I return your call and you are not available. I don’t admonish you I just assume that you are busy. It happens what can I say other than its life…things happen.
Back to this complaint of my lack of availability, well it’s true. I work from eight in the morning till nine at night. Bills come due at the end of every month and I like to be able to say that things are paid. Not to mention I would like to have a savings nest egg so that I can stop working altogether at some point in my life. I try to strike a work life balance when I can sometimes more successfully on some occasions than others. Just because I will not drop everything I am doing to hang out with you doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang it simply means that I cannot hang right now.
This is not rocket science just good ol’ fashion common sense. For example, the food pyramid while not perfect does give a generally decent representation of what a balanced diet should look like. Every medical journal since the beginning of time stresses that some exercise is need for good health. And yet, year after year people remain mystified that the secret to health is a balanced diet and some exercise. I cannot serve two masters. I cannot want to have money and not work to make money. My last name isn’t Rockefeller, Versace or Jackson (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty).
Sacrifice of some of my free time comes at the hopes that when I go on vacation it is the one that I choose and not the one I have to settle for. When I have an emergency I can hopefully not fall into debt. But let’s face facts it is not all about the money. My time is just that my time. I have precious little of it so I try to spread it around as much as I can. Taking care of myself by going to the gym or preparing a good meal is just as important as going out for drinks. Taking a day trip to a new city to explore my new home is just as exciting and girls day/night out. I quite enjoy sitting at home munching on popcorn while watching “Scandal”. Olivia and Fitz forever!
Life is too short to keep doing what everyone else wants or thinks you should and sometimes it good to do nothing so long as it is on your own terms. So while I truly enjoy my friends please don’t be offended if every free moment that I have is not spent with you. If I don’t pick when you call it is not because I am dodging you it may be that I am busy.
Posted in Expat, Italy, Life, Shopping, Time, Travel, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged Abroad, American, an, antagonistic, apartment, drink, eat, Expat, Foreign, friend, Girl, happy, Health, home, Italy, Leisure, Meal, money, people, rome, Versace, work, Work and Family, Work–life balance, Working time
The fall season is always the most interesting time of the year. Everything seems to move at warp speed. We move from one holiday to another and then in a flash we are celebrating the start of a new year. Time moves like sand. It is elusive while simultaneously being dangerous depending on the situation.
If you have read this blog before then you know a few things about me. The first is that I am always asking questions and the second is that I try to look at the bigger picture. As I take the necessary steps to rebuild my life here in Italy I spend a lot of time trying and failing to get things done in the same that I have had success in the past. My friends ask me when am I coming back home. I avoid saying that I am home not because everything is perfect. It‘s just that when I made the decision to become an expat I bought a one-way ticket for a reason.
I want to grow as a person by allowing myself to evolve freely into who I am meant to be even if that means that I am in Italy and my friends and family are in the US. I am slowly making new friends which takes both time and effort. Surprisingly this friendship thing was a lot easier in grade school than it is now.
Today I lack clarity of purpose. My direction is clear. The how to get from point A to point B is causing me some consternation. As you move through life the straight line approach is not always the best approach. Part of my mission is to simplify my life by stripping away the unnecessary. Someday’s like today when I feeling uncertain everything seems necessary especially the things that provide me with the most comfort like my friends who know me well.
It’s not that I want to go back to the US it just that sometimes the journey feels lonely and the destination seems cold.
Posted in Expat, Italy, Life, Time, Travel, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged a, Abroad, American, an, anyone, drink, Expat, Foreign, friend, get, Girl, happy, home, immigrant, it, Italy, lets, life, on, people, started, US, USA, woman
The indignity of asking for what you owed is ironic. Shouldn’t the company or business owner be embarrassed that they cannot pay you the employee?
“Watch out you might get what you’re after…” lyrics from Burning Down the House, Talking Heads
You do your job and they cannot afford to pay you. I have been on both sides of the equation for different reasons. When I was the person in charge I had to suck it up explain that the funding did not come through. I also had no funds to pay my own bills. I did not take money for myself and left others to fend for themselves. I was caught off guard by promises made to me by another who backed out at the last minute.
As an employee I have had employers pull the rug out from under me without warning. No matter which side of the equation you are on the whole situation sucks. So you do what you have to do? You try to make the best of a bad situation. You apologize if you’re the boss and try the best to make amends where you can. If your employee you try to get as much remuneration as you can and seek out other sources of stable income. What you don’t do is make excuses and leave people with unanswered questions.
Responsibility is not always fun. I might even go so far to say that it’s the antithesis of fun more often than not. However, responsibility is what defines us all. Life is a series of winding roads that have different perils we must face. Sometimes we are able to navigate things to our success but most times there is a price or penalty for our mistakes. This is where responsibility plays a role. Our choices are our own. The results of our choices are our burden to bear. To try to pass it off to someone else is unforgivable.
I am no saint I like anyone have my moments where I have shined and many more where my actions can only be described as grey. Still I strive to do only what I can live with. It is frustrating to have to deal with people who act as if they don’t have any responsibility for their actions. These people exist as if life is something that just happens and they exist only to react never to act. Life is a gift to lived in full which includes both failures and successes not always dosed out in equal measures.
Posted in Expat, Italy, Shopping, Time, Travel, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged a, Abroad, American, an, antagonistic, anyone, apartment, burn, burning, business, drink, eat, Expat, Foreign, Girl, happy, home, house, Italy, life, money, people, response, responsibility, responsible, rome, Travel
Is a question for suckers.
As the cool kids say, “Idk”.
Does it even matter.
Is here and everywhere.
Is always me.
Posted in Expat, Italy, Time, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged a, Abroad, American, an, antagonistic, anyone, cool, drink, eat, Expat, Foreign, friend, Girl, home, how, idk, kids, life, me, what, when, where, who, why
“Get over it” is what people tell you when they’re tired of hearing you complain about your sob story for the umpteenth time. Generally it’s a queue to stop talking about what’s bothering you and move on as the saying goes. Having been on both sides of the equation I can honestly say that it sucks on either side of the equation.
So many tears I’ve cried. So much pain inside…But Baby it ain’t over ’til it’s over
When something goes wrong in your life you want to talk about enough to get people to tell you that you are right. You want to hear that whatever went wrong is not your fault. You need to hear that you are a blameless victim. On the other side you want to tell the person lamenting their fate to suck it up already. It is their fault and they are to blame. You want to say deal with it because I have my own problems and I need you to tell me that I am a blameless victim and that other person(s) sucks.
I found myself recently wanting to tell a friend to get over it already. I am tired of listening to how they are a victim and everyone else is dumping on them. How do you tell a friend that they’re crossing the line into whining territory? Why is it your responsibility to explain the difference between being an ass and being a pushover? What do say when they act like both and then look at you for support?
You end up being both an ass and a pushover trying not to hurt their feelings. So you start to avoid them. Making up excuses why you can hang out secretly relieved when they have to cancel plans. Playing nurse maid to the perpetually wounded is not fun. Do not get me wrong as the song says, “it ain’t over till it’s over”. No one can tell someone else when it’s time to move on. Everyone bounces back from disappointment differently. Everyone requires different stimulus to keep it going when life hands them crap. According to MS Word it has taken 351 words till this point to say that I would really like to say, “GET OVER IT”.
Moving on because life sucks for everyone sometimes is normal. Nothing will change if you keep looking at everything from the most negative place imaginable. Acting like an ass will not stop others from acting like an ass as well. The world has too many people acting like as ass already. I am not infallible I have had my moments where I get stuck in my own cycle of pity. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view I have always had people who were willing to tell me to “get over it”. I may not have liked the medicine at the time it was given but the medicine was needed. True be told I am grateful for having received it. But everyone is not me and medicine or no medicine some people just aren’t willing or able to just “get over it” for these people it just “ain’t over till it’s over…”
Posted in Expat, Italy, Time, Travel, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged ain't, an, antagonistic, anyone, cafe, down, eat, Expat, Foreign, friend, get, happy, it, it's, Italy, life, money, over' till, rome, they, USA, we, woman, you
Today I feel like a rant. Why the title? I hate the Showtime series Ray Donovan for one reason and one reason only Jon Motherf*cking Voight!
Seriously, I would like to meet the decision maker(s) who decided it was a good idea to parade old Johnny boy around my Television screen naked. Nobody should ever see this horror. It’s not because he’s old. There are plenty of older actors I don’t mind seeing naked for instance, Anthony Hopkins, Bruce Willis hell why not Morgan Freeman just not Jon Voight. It not just looking at his pasty flabby body for periods of time resulting burning the retinas of my eyes but, it is the horrific misogynistic racist homophobic and downright KKK loving GOP voting things that he says during his screen time that make me vomit in mouth just a little each week that I endured watching this show.
Why did I keep watching the Ray Donovan? I guess for the same reason people have hate sex. I like to torture myself in sick twisted ways. Take for example the episode where Mr. Voight dances around in his tidy whities with a woman of color which was not offensive on its own (the woman color part is fine however, Jon Voight is always offensive in this show). The subsequent conversation he had that referenced said encounter as a “juicy” or “black don’t crack” or some such nonsense was not on the list of my favorites. The fact that every woman of color on the show fits some type of stereotyped fetish makes my blood boil. I hold no Pollyanna delusions that Hollywood has any sense of what PC (Political Correctness) means let alone just plain common sense. However, it would be nice to move beyond these stereotypes at some point as we are in the 21st century already.
But, let us not digress too far away from my point. I hate Jon Voight not as a person just as an actor in this show. The distaste for the man that is Jon Voight has reached critical mass. I will never watch anything with Jon Voight in it again for the fear that he may disrobe. And, let us be honest no one should have to live with that image.
One more thing. This is my heart felt message to the shows producers:
“Put some DAM clothes on Jon Voight!”
Posted in Expat, Italy, Time, Travel, Uncategorized, Women
Tagged a, Abroad, American, an, antagonistic, anyone, business, clothes, Expat, Foreign, happy, home, immigrant, jon, man, naked, old, people, please, ray, really, show, stop, televsison, time, TV, why, wine