Virgil: I saw the horizon. It’s out there. And though I may not ever be able to touch it, it’s worth reaching for.
Today has been a day of “firsts”. For instance, for the first time since I arrived I don’t have to be anywhere particular today. It is also the first time for cleaning my apartment. Given that I only moved in one week ago today I’m actual happy to clean. In another week or so I will not be as happy. For the first time I looked at Craig’s List Italia. I need a desk and paying retail will not due. This is also the first time I don’t have a TV or access to satellite television. For the first time I am listening to someone playing the accordion outside my bedroom window. The music is like what my imagination would tell me Italy would be like if I didn’t already live here. This is the first day I have not studied grammar rules or British pronunciation. It has been the first time that I have gone grocery shopping completely on my own in Rome.
In fact for the first time I couldn’t communicate with someone in my broken Italian so I typed what I wanted to say into my Google translator and showed it to the banker. Not my finest moment but it got the job done. For the first time I told a family member that I love them but I am not getting involved in their conflict. Usually I try to play peace maker only to get blamed in the end.
Oddly enough this is the first time in a very long time that I am only responsible for myself. Every now and again I look over my shoulder or up at the sky half expecting to see some sign that things aren’t not as real as they seem. I guess for me it’s hard to believe that I am completely on my own. It’s something I have said that I wanted for as long as I can remember. Now that it’s my every day I haven’t allowed myself to fully embrace it. Part of me thinks that if I start to enjoy myself too much then things will fall apart and that would be a fate worse than death. Another part thinks that this is all too good to be true and the other shoe will drop.
Ultimately I think that I need to just let go and embrace the here and now. After all tomorrow is not here yet. It can take care of its self.
In the Footsteps of Hemingway 